argh.

I cried during training today.

I was rather shocked by myself, and I think I scared the guys a little.

The lack of sleep was affecting my performance during training. I think.
The last straw was when we were at Dunern Road, and I just couldnt keep up no matter how hard I was pedalling. I remember gritting my teeth and sprinting towards the group, hitting 37km/h at one point in time even (on a flat stretch of road, mind you), but the group just seemed as far away as ever. Finally, when I managed to join them, it was just a one second sense of accomplishment, and I lagged behind again.

I was pushing myself so hard that my legs didnt feel like mine, and my body felt like it was collapsing, yet I was still behind. Going across a small little bump on the road drained a ridiculous amount of energy in me; a sense of despondence began to creep in.

I remember feeling confused;
I remember feeling frustrated;
I remember asking alot of questions in my head;
I remember doubting myself;
I remember feeling really, really fatigued.

I’m sure feeling like this is a learning phase in this entire training program, and I’m sure I’ll emerge from it more or less stronger mentally. But the feeling during that time, is like fuck.

It’s really not easy juggling a summer module together with training, especially since my summer module chose to be project-intensive during the time when training was intensive. My sleeping pattern is screwed; heck, I dont even remember a good night’s rest for a long time – sleep was probably averaged at about 4 hours per day.

It’s easy for someone else to tell me, “well, you shouldnt have taken summer in the first place,” or “you should have known.” But, summer terms were crucial for me if I wanted to graduate a semester earlier; and quite honestly, I didnt know that school and training will be this precarious a balance.

There’s always this saying “mind over body”. I mean, I’ve said it a dozen times that it’s the strength in the mind that pulled me through certain trainings. But I’ve learnt, in this past couple of weeks, that the body still triumphs sometimes.

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